If ads could rant...


HEY, YOU! I am talking to you! Yes, YOU! Look around. Is there anyone else who’s reading this? No! So, do I have your ‘undivided attention,’ now? Sheesh, the things a poor advertisement has to do to get noticed these days!

Honestly, I already feel utterly neglected!

Alright, alright, me and my brothers do get a little cocky sometimes – especially, when we assemble in large, intimidating groups. However, I wish to clarify that we do it only as a mark of protest! It is our way of showing our strength, so to speak. How? Tell me, when the minorities are oppressed, what do they do? Gather, unite, assemble as a mark of protest, don’t they?! Why frown upon us when we do the same?

Most of the time, it ain’t our fault – some dumb fuck comes along and clumps us together in a horrible fashion! Tell us, how are we to blame for his stupidity? Why shoot the messenger? The truth is, all of us, we believe in existing independently – we hate crowds as much as the other ad. In fact, some of us were built to compete. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t co-exist, does it? So, one of us gets to be the alpha-ad for sometime! Then, after a while, someone else comes along, challenges him & takes over. Or not. Whatever.

The point is, we live by the same jungle rules that govern any civilized society.

And pray tell me, what exactly is your grouse with our cousin – the Referral? How does it matter to you if my master makes some money off a measly click of yours? You were gonna sign up to that site/download that program/buy that {insert_whatever_item_here} anyway, weren’t you? Why would you not help a fellow human being along the way & click that referring link? To be honest, this is where I prefer bots over humans – at least they don’t discriminate in such matters! I know you humans can be narrow-minded most of the time – but this takes the cake, the icing AND the cherry-on-top!

You know what really bothers me? It’s the way you treat that elitist sister of ours – CONTENT. We share the same (lesser?) visual space as she does. We express the same (better?) thoughts as she does. We convey the same (snappier?) message that she does. And yet, you go salivating at the sight of HER & look down upon US as if we were some two-bit piece of trash. Tsk, tsk, shame on you!

Tell me honestly, doesn’t it bother you when someone pays our elitist sister (yes, I am talking about CONTENT) to dress up according to their will & choice? Doesn’t it bother you even a little bit?! “Ooh look, she looks so pretty!” “Ooh, look she’s so smartly CSS-ed up!” “Ooh look, she has such beautiful, curvy words!” “Ooh, look she’s all set to go viral!”

Viral, my context!

What you don’t see is that underneath that pretty disguise, she is very much a ‘two-bit piece of trash’ just like us! But NOOOOOOOOO! She comes from the elitist user-generation, you see! She obviously has class – unlike me & my brothers. You obviously have different standards for me & her, don’t you? You fucking, elitist, neo-bourgeois, capitalist bastard.

Sigh. Forget it. You won’t understand.

You won’t understand the value of the countless hours (okay, countable minutes) that were spent by various people in crafting me. Lovingly, block by block, they constructed me – keeping in mind the various constraints set by people – not unlike you, mind you. You’ll not understand the fact that a considerable amount of creative juices were expended in making me the perfect size – clear as day, yet, subtle as, you know, whatver-it-is-that-is-supposed-to-be-subtle.

Tell me, how difficult is it to show me some respect? How intrusive am I being here, really? C’mon, answer me!

When you read about a nice holiday that someone took in Turkey, I show you quick-and-easy ways to plan the very same holiday; maybe at a fraction of the cost.
When you drool over a picture of that Lamborghini Diablo, I show you a store that sells a 1:25 replica for a bargain.
When you’re drooling over that little black dress on the official Versace e-store, I show you ‘other places’ where you can get (almost) the same dress for a lot lesser.

So, tell me now. Am I really that bad? Huh?

I mean, look at me. Here I am, all decked up, primed to perfection, chosen carefully by my masters, waiting to give you all sorts of useful information & you hardly look at me! How fair is that? Heck, I even went textual, so that I could be served contextual! I take the effort to be as non-intrusive as I can & then, you go & develop selctive blindness?

Seriously, WTF?

Would you not feel bad if the brilliantly crafted, painfully researched blog-post you wrote showed zero comments?
Would it not pain you when the poem you recite in front of (what you thought was) a discerning audience gets no applause & gets boo-ed down instead?
Does it not hurt to see zero ‘likes’ (or retweets, whichever you prefer) on that really witty status update you coined all by yourself, while a stupid spelling mistake gets, like, 42 replies?
Don’t you feel a stab of jealousy when some random picture of a cat with a ‘witteh kitteh cap-shun’ has people going ga-ga over it, while your poignantly captured frames-of-freedom lie at the bottom of the pile with 29 views – 21 of them your own?

It’s all karma – you’re paying for your sins, you know.

When you open that AdSense page of yours & look at the daily reports and see that miserable number in the eCPM column; when you see your blog has a gazillion pageviews & only a teeny-weeny-tiny-schminy percentage of those visitors have clicked on us; when you see that wretched-numbe—that-can’t-cover-your-bus-fare-home that’s your adsense paycheck – that’s karma talking, baby!

So do us all a favor, huh?

The next time you see us, don’t avoid us. We’re NOT filth & we don’t expect to be treated as such, either. On the contrary, we are honest, hard-working daily-wage earners who are putting in a lot of time & effort for our masters without taking a day off. I’m not saying you SHOULD point your mouse at my hyperlink & click – I’m just saying you could give me a fair perusal, at the very least.

If you are reading this, you must know this: I am utterly thankful to you for reading my rant. At any rate, you’re better than that asshole owner of this blog; he told me no one really wants to read what ads have to say! Very nearly killed me, that one! Listen, do me a favor, will ya? Help me prove that he was wrong? Think of it as good karma that will eventually find its way back to you. ;)

Thanks & regards,
A. D’vert

DISCLAIMER: NO ads were harmed in the making/writing/drafting of this post.
(Image credit: This post on the Food Blog Alliance – do read it!)